Stuart P Turner

Dear Derren,

I have just put down your book ‘Confessions of a Conjuror’ after devouring it in a day and felt compelled to write to you. I’ve never written to a celebrity of any kind before and had a moment of frozen doubt before starting this about the right tone to adopt; don’t want to seem fawning and obsequious, equally don’t want to sound weird… Taking heart from one of your many amusing anecdotes however, I am diving right in so;

Firstly, I found ‘Confessions…’ the most amusing book I have read, possibly ever. I’m not sure whether this is because I just don’t read funny books, or if this one was exceptionally funny, but either way I hope you take this as the wholehearted compliment I intend it to be. I rarely laugh out loud when reading and spent the day smiling wryly, chuckling or barking out an unexpected laugh.

I also regaled my fiancé (whom it was originally leant to before I stole it to read first) with some choice highlights including the brief section on toilet reading, personal songs about things you do (teeth song – amazing), and hinted one of my personal top three funny moments, so as not to spoil the surprise when she reads it herself, the hotel sleeping system you have devised.

My fiancé incidentally gave up tickets to see one of your shows while she was at Art College in Edinburgh several years back to come and see me (I was studying in Leeds at the time, circa 2003/4) and we had spent a long time apart). I was touched at the time by the sacrifice and in the subsequent years as I have watched your programs and seen some of your shows, I love her even more for it.

Secondly, I thought the candor and good humour throughout created an intimacy I have not found in other personal writings. I found it immensely pleasing that you take such pleasure in everyday life and the people that live it. A large part of my pleasure in reading the book derived from your observations on and interest in everything that they (and we) do.

Finally I hope that this message in some small way repays the hours of enjoyment you have given me, not just being entertained by your shows and writings, but the resulting research, reading and learning that they inspired.

Yours,

Stuart

***
Update: My life is pretty much complete; the actual real Derren Brown noticed my small, slightly creepy gesture of gratitude. YES!

Or, A Twitter Retrospective.

Since the launch of Twitter back in 2006, the network has polarised opinion; creating both ardent fans and vitriolic critics.

But what has Twitter added to our lives? Is it a force for social good or another mindless distraction?

The latest Twitter critic to lash out is Baroness Greenfield:

“Facebook & Twitter have created a generation obsessed with themselves, who have short attention spans and a childlike desire for constant feedback on their lives.”

Source.

Should we really be worried that social networking is melting our brains, rather than celebrating our natural gregarious nature?

“Unexpectedly invaluable.”

In an attempt to gain some insight into how and why people use Twitter I created a short survey and distributed it to a control group of regular Tweeters.

Of the Tweeters who responded:

• 80% have been members for 2-3 years.
• 60% have always used social networks.
• Everyone is also a member of Facebook and LinkedIn.
• 80% spend more than 10 hours a day on social networks.
• While 100% people surveyed work in a marketing-related job, non had the words ‘social media’ in their job title.
• 100% used Twitter for work as well as pleasure.

Most interesting however, were respondents’ opinions when asked “What value (personal of professional) do you feel you gain from Twitter?” responses included:

“I get the chance to share things I find interesting in the Digital Marketing world and find articles that I wouldn’t otherwise gain.”

“I’ve gone on to meet loads of the folks that I talk to most on Twitter and have made some really good friends as a result of the time I spend on there.”

“It’s a good way to stay ‘in touch’ with people I might not see as often as I might like – it’s like a modern postcard.”

100% of respondents specified sharing, recommending, discovering, networking and engagement as benefits gained from the network.

This does not sound like narcissism or approval craving, it sounds to me like a platform for interaction, upon which you are free to make up your own rules. If people don’t like the way you behave, they don’t have to follow you.

“I do not care what you had for tea, but if someone does then they can find out.”

Unfortunately, the lack of ‘human’ element in social media conversations can lead to some schoolyard squabbles that are never pleasant.

Stephen Fry tasted the uglier side of Twitter in 2009 when an unwitting fan succinctly offended him and quickly felt the wrath of Alan Davies (as did anyone else in the vicinity – you can read about it here.)

This incident really highlights what a virtual conversation lacks, ie. the ‘personal touch’. I very much doubt @JimJammer would have called Stephen Fry boring had he been stood face-to-face; further emphasising the ease of writing one thing and meaning another.

I think this is where Twitter in particular has a problem – its brevity and general lack of real ‘conversation’ (in the traditional sense of the word) have dehumanised the interaction on the network. Without eye contact, body language and contextual clues, a comment like this can be interpreted as a jovial bit of fun, a needless rant or a hurtful insult.

It’s just ‘a short burst of inconsequential information’. Is that enough to base a real relationship on?

“Expanded circle of acquaintances (wouldn’t always say friends)”

Having said that, ultimately Twitter is just a tool. How we use it to communicate is up to us; the members that make up this alternative community. Although the restrictions Twitter applies to messaging present new challenges in communicating in a ‘human way’ there is nothing intrinsically negative about the medium itself.

At the end of the day, ‘Twittequette’ is summed up perfectly in an old adage I’m sure you’ll remember from your childhood…

‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’

Image Credit: Cyanide & Happiness

Heard someone say Twitter? Scared you’re behind the times? Not sure what it’s all about?

Well it’s getting a re-design and it’s still going to be the next big thing (this time) so you’d better read on.

Twitter is an orgy of narcissism between three groups of people constantly ejaculating short jets of inanity onto one another on a daily basis.

It’s well weapon.

The fervour rises to a peak around lunchtime as opinions are thrust forward faster and faster, quiets into pillow talk around three and dies off into post orgasmic silence at five. It is populated exclusively by people who all fall into one of three groups:

Geek
You are a geek. Do not pretend to be normal. You might be a social media wanker, an internet marketing person or just your average pasty, spot covered keyboard warrior. You get irrationally angry when people do not research their shitty blog posts properly and constantly become embroiled in arguments about:

1. The accuracy of facts you found on the internet
2. Whether a Mac is better than a PC
3. Which phone is the best (top trumps for the socially retarded)
4. Why the films/music/t shirts your friends and colleagues have/watch/wear are gay

You believe that Wikipedia is more authoritative than science and that everything you read by people you like on the internet is unequivocally true. You also think that complaining in a loud and pompous manner on your blog and referring people to it in a loud and pompous manner on Twitter will make someone give you something for free.

Celebrity
There are actually two sub categories of celebrity;

(a) Actual Celebrities
You tweet every inane detail of your day to your thousands of fans, who lap it up and respond and feel like they are actually part of your daily life. Some people love it, some people hate it. The real world somehow gets by without this information.

(b) ‘Actual’ Celebrities
Someone in your PR Agency or management team has heard the word Twitter. Some poor sap of an intern trying to become a glamour model/actor/PR bigwig is tasked with tweeting about the inane shit that you do on a daily basis and goading your hoards of fans into responding. Heat magazine fail to realise that they don’t need to write articles any more, they can just copy/paste your tweets.

Bot
You are a spammy bot that automatically follows people and tweets vaguely related stuff at them. How you are different from every other Twitter user is unclear.

If you’re still not convinced you want to join, why not get a flavour for it first by shouting at a crowd of angry geese? Maybe cut out sentences from a newspaper, attached them to a bike wheel and spin it in front of your face at moderate speed. Maybe practice short, hilarious monologues in the dark on your own for seven hours.

Twitter is so unbelievably pointless that even Dilbert got a shot in. Even Dilbert.

Burn indeed.

So should you join? Well it’s pretty obvious that you should. Isn’t it?